Commenting on weight… is it ever okay?

Weight is a touchy subject for many of us. Whether we see ourselves as too skinny or too fat, most of us have something to criticise about our body’s physical appearance. When someone shares their opinion or draws attention to weight in conversation, be it their own or someone else’s, it can often spark a lot of anxiety and stress for the recipient – even if you are intending to compliment them!

I recently returned to a job which I used to work when I was just 16 years old; hoping to earn a bit of money on the side of my studies. I worked there part-time for 2 years and really did enjoy it (hence going back now!) 

My reasons for going back were much the same, I need a bit of extra money and the opportunity presented itself. I was more than happy to go back as I have nothing but fond memories of the place. Well, except for the fact that when I was last working there I was still mentally trapped by my eating disorder. 

A long and winding road through recovery…

Since leaving to go to university in 2020 (and soon after dropping out) I committed whole-heartedly to my recovery. It became apparent that I was not at all mentally recovered and I decided that I was not prepared to continue living my life governed by my ED. 

I returned to therapy and did a whole lot of work to truly unpack my ED and counteract the disordered beliefs I still held. This mental work inevitably resulted in weight gain, as I allowed myself to honour all of my hunger signals and fulfil my body’s needs. 

This was hard to come to terms with at first, especially when my ED was telling me “You’re being greedy” or “You shouldn’t eat that”; but with the support of my therapist I was able to overcome these barriers and learn to trust my body again.

Looking back on the past me who thought she was recovered because she was no longer starving herself every day, I truly feel sorry for her. Yes, I was eating, but I was certainly not eating enough and had so many rules around when and what I could eat that my ED was able to live on. So, needless to say when I broke these rules my body (and mind) was able to heal. 

I have been in this stage of recovery for around 8 months now. However, when I returned to my old job a couple of weeks ago, my first interaction with the chef knocked me for six.

Returning to work…

Upon seeing me his first words were “You’ve gained weight!”, closely followed by “You look really good”. Now I realise that he is entirely correct and was not trying to be rude, in fact quite the opposite, he was complimenting me! However, the ED part of my brain sent alarm bells “OMG you’ve gained so much weight, now everyone thinks your fat”. It was difficult to hear but I tried to see the positive – he’s noticed that I’ve changed as a result of healing – and put it out my mind.

Next shift I saw another old colleague who remarked “I didn’t recognise you” and “You’ve gained weight”. In all honesty I hadn’t worked with him for long before I left and English was his second language, but nevertheless, I felt my heart sink into my stomach when he said this to me. My ED was screaming “OMG you’ve gained so much weight people don’t even recognise you anymore! You’re disgusting! You should have listened to me!”; I didn’t know what to say.

The other colleagues who remembered me spoke nothing of my appearance and just expressed that they were happy I was back. Now, I have made a lot of excuses in my head for why they felt the need to comment on my weight gain, and to be honest I have spent more time thinking about it than I care to admit. I know that their intentions were good and they did not mean to insult me, but I still couldn’t put the words out of my mind and it echoed for the following days… “You’ve gained weight”.

It’s better to say nothing…

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that commenting on someone’s weight, whether they’ve lost or gained, should not be a topic of discussion. We all make observations and assumptions about people, but commenting your opinion on someone’s weight can cause damage that you may never have intended.

Especially for me, having ED tendencies means that comments like this stick and fuel my eating disorder. Were it not for my discipline and commitment to recovery I could have easily believed my ED when it told me “You looked better before” or “You need to lose weight again”, but it was not easy. 

Now, I would like to acknowledge that it is not always obvious when someone is battling with an eating disorder, or any mental illness for that matter, and you are not expected to know! All I’m saying is that we should consider our words more carefully; especially when it comes to physical appearance (which is a delicate subject for many people).

When it comes to weight and body image, it’s ALWAYS better to say nothing. Even if you’re intending to compliment someone, your words can be misunderstood or justify disordered behaviour and cause lasting damage. 

Let’s save everyone the heartache and compliment each others personality and character, rather than appearance, because people are SO much more than what they weigh!

Sending love, Georga xx