Practices that helped me through my recovery…

There are a few things that I did during my ED recovery that really helped keep me focussed on my goal of having food freedom. These were both of my own accord and suggested by my therapist, but I would highly recommend anyone committed to their recovery to give them a go!

• Write a farewell letter to anorexia 

This may sound kinda silly because anorexia isn’t a physical person, but she had become so established in my head that I struggled to separate my voice from hers. Writing a letter to her helped me to identify the role she had played in my life up until now, and gave me the opportunity to say goodbye and let her go. It’s also helpful to look back on when you’re having a difficult day to remind you that anorexia is not your friend.

• Write a list of all the qualities that make me, me (most of which I had forgotten)

I lost touch with my personality when I had my ED because I was completely consumed by it. I took a lot of online personality tests and quizzes that helped me to identify some of the qualities and values I hold as a person. Writing these down in order of priority and why they are important to me made it easier to see all the things that I am and can be when I’m not paralysed by my mental illness. 

• Draw out the two pathways (recover or not to recover)

This one was recommended by my therapist towards the end of my recovery; when I was physically healthy but still held some unhealthy beliefs. She told me to draw out the two paths that I had to choose from: 1, to fully recover and let go of the ED, or 2, to hold onto some ED beliefs and remain trapped by it. On the recovery path I wrote down all the things that I wanted to do with my life that I wouldn’t be able to until I was recovered. On the other, I wrote all the things that I associate with my ED and how they make me feel. It was obvious which path I needed to choose.

• Journaling – daily thoughts, feelings and affirmations 

As you can tell there’s a bit of a theme so far, the act of physically writing things down helped me in recovery. Journaling in the evening a little bit about my day and how I felt helped me to identify patterns and triggers to my mood. I started focussing on things that I was grateful for which helped me to cultivate a more positive mindset.

• EAT whatever I want, whenever I want

I followed a LOT of recovery accounts, all of which talked about the importance of honouring mental hunger as well as physical. My mind was constantly thinking about food and I tried to ignore it in the hope that it would go away because I was now eating what I thought was ‘enough’. The truth is, when you are recovering and you allow your body to have food, it is going to crave more because it doesn’t know how long you will allow it to have access. By not restricting anything, and eating whenever and whatever your body craves, it will learn to trust that you are going to continue to feed it and the mental hunger will decrease and eventually go away. 

• Limited my exercise to walking until I was fully weight restored and mentally stable

This was fairly easy for me as I hadn’t exercised intensely since I was initially diagnosed and banned from the gym. I also had very low energy which made it easier as I was sleeping up to 16 hours a day! Not getting any exercise at all was bad for my depression, so I tried to go for a short walk every day that I felt up to it (this became more important when I got my puppy too!)

• Stopped drinking fizzy drinks & alcohol for a few months

I continue to struggle with bloating, which during my recovery played havoc with my body image. My therapist encouraged me to stop drinking fizzy drinks and alcohol which I did for a couple of months while focussing on weight restoring. This was definitely beneficial for my depression as well as I used to experience extreme lows a couple of days after drinking and helped my mental health to stabilise.

• Unfollowed triggering accounts and followed the #normalizenormalbodies movement

Social media can be extremely triggering for people with ED’s but it can also be very educational and empowering. I learned so much about the recovery process and how the human body handles food and weight by following recovery accounts. I also realised how common my struggles were and that many people were going through the same journey. I didn’t comment or engage in many conversations but seeing posts that normalize the struggles I was going through definitely helped.

• Did NOT count calories AT ALL

In all honesty I didn’t count calories all that much when I was ill, but I found that calories were talked about a lot more in the weight-gain stage of recovery. This was highly triggering for me to know how many calories were in my food, especially when there was a choice (for example, at a restaurant I would always choose the lowest calorie option). For about 3 years I handed control over to my Mum who cooked for me at home. This took away the anxiety I had around choosing food and I was always happy to eat what was put in front of me. However, when the mental hunger became stronger and I needed to eat more snacks throughout the day, I followed my cravings without questioning the number of calories because that was what my body wanted and needed.

• Committed to therapy whole heartedly

When I was first admitted to therapy I was adamant that I did not have a problem. I attended every session but didn’t believe I needed to be there and therefore didn’t get very much out of it. It was only last year that I realised I was still unwell and that I needed to do the work for myself in order to get better. I asked my GP to refer me to a therapist and was completely open and honest in every session. I asked lots of questions which allowed me to get the most out of my treatment, and developed a plan for when I was struggling that I could follow when discharged.

• Moved back home (where I felt most safe)

It became clear to me that I was still unwell when I lived at university for the first term in 2020. I was in self-catered accommodation which meant I was responsible for cooking for myself. I had put together a plan before going to help me with meals and had lots of snacks available. However, the mental battle that I faced when I was there was far harder than I expected. Living in a flat full of new people who didn’t know much about me or my eating difficulties made it hard to talk to anyone when I was struggling. I found myself constantly comparing to others what, when and how often I was eating which was extremely draining. This mental battle was going on alongside living away from home for the first time, studying, making new friends, getting to know the area and being in a global pandemic. I kept things together for the first term until I came home for Christmas and had a total breakdown. My Mum was extremely supportive and helped me get more support from the uni. I made the decision to spend the rest of my first year living at home, which gave me the stability and support from people I trusted most while in the final difficult stages of recovery.

This is a pretty hefty list and I definitely did not do all these things at once!

I think the most important thing in recovery is to be open-minded and respond to suggestions from your therapist and anyone else you trust or has knowledge of what you’re going through.

Different things work for different people, but you don’t know until you try it!